My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die