So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You Might Also Like
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
🌱🌱🌱
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.