hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry