sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok: