Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
A choir of Spring onions
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”