Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it鈥檚 ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
My nutritionist told me wine doesn鈥檛 count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I don鈥檛 know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.