guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife