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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice