Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
they split up moments later
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.