Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
A leaf blower, but for people.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.