Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*