During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside