Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
just gave your address to some spiders
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??