Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
What a year we’ve had this week.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u