“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.