If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
What is going on? 😅
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?