Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
spot the difference
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree