Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
WTF
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.