If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
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The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
what’s the point then??
knights of the ikea table
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.