My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail