I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.