Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Lmao
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.