man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
This is I, Robot all over again
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.