*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Kermit goes Blue.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.