Drive as I say, not as I drive.
You Might Also Like
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night