ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
You Might Also Like
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.