[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I am yelling
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Have kids, they said
My last name is Zilla.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands