Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
never compromise your values
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The funk soul brother
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.