I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
You Might Also Like
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.