Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.