Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I bet
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages