@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
first you must answer his riddles
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards