Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go