When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
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God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Hard not to take this personally
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I know karate and tons of other words.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.