Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
How to find Kentucky on a map
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again