Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Well, that should do it
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…