I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*