If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
You Might Also Like
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.