I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
You Might Also Like
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
best review i’ve ever seen
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Story of my life…..
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.