My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
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ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Damn what did I do next
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Facebook marketplace is a different world