Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.