Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.