Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.