{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not