I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.