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My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.