Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.