dogs can find happiness so easily
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[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
For those that worship cheese..
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking