*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
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why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Okay me first
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie