Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.